By Joaquín Selva, Bc.S., Psychologist
Scientifically reviewed by Tiffany Sauber Millacci, Ph.D. —
It was originally thought to involve families of substance abuse but has since grown to include other types of dysfunctional relationships. Read on to learn about what codependency is and how it can affect people, how to recognize signs of codependency, and resources for learning more about and overcoming codependency.
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This Article Contains
What is a Co-Dependent Personality Disorder?
A dysfunctional family is characterized by its members experiencing fear, anger, pain, physical abuse, sexual abuse and shame, which are often overlooked or denied. The root issues may encompass various factors, including:
– A family member’s addiction to substances such as drugs or alcohol, or to behaviors like work, food, sex, or gambling.
– The occurrence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse within the family.
– The presence of a family member dealing with a chronic mental or physical illness.
In dysfunctional families, there is a lack of acknowledgment regarding the existence of these problems. Open discussions and confrontations are absent, leading family members to suppress their emotions and neglect their own needs. They often adopt a “survivor” mentality, developing coping mechanisms and establishing barriers to avoid confronting difficult feelings or projecting their issues onto others.
A typical indicator of co-dependency is the tendency to withdraw during conflicts or emotional turmoil. Such individuals may detach, refrain from communication, avoid physical contact, and struggle to confront their feelings or trust others. They often shift blame onto others for their own shortcomings.
Consequently, the identity and emotional growth of family members are frequently stunted. These patterns are learned behaviors from childhood that co-dependents must address and heal in order to achieve a fulfilling and emotionally healthy life.
The focus of attention and energy often centers on the family member who is ill or struggling with addiction.
Co-dependent individuals typically prioritize the needs of the sick person over their own, which can lead to a disconnection from their own needs, desires, and sense of identity.
How Do Co-Dependents Behave?
Co-dependents frequently experience low self-esteem and seek validation from others to bolster their sense of self-worth. They may struggle to reveal their authentic selves. Some individuals may turn to substances such as alcohol, drugs, or nicotine, which can lead to addiction, while others might engage in compulsive activities like workaholism, gambling, isolation or indiscriminate sexual relationships.
Despite their well-meaning intentions, co-dependents often become excessively involved in caring for individuals facing challenges, resulting in compulsive and harmful caretaking behaviors. They may adopt a martyr-like persona, viewing themselves as “benefactors” to those in need. For example, a wife might cover for her husband’s drinking problem, a mother may excuse her child’s absences from school, or a father might intervene to protect his child from the consequences of misbehavior.
The problem arises when these repeated rescue attempts enable the dependent individual to continue their destructive habits, thereby increasing their reliance on the unhealthy support of the “benefactor.” As this dependency intensifies, the co-dependent may find a sense of purpose in being needed. When caretaking becomes compulsive, they often feel trapped and powerless within the relationship, yet struggle to break free from the cycle of behavior that sustains their predicament. Co-dependents typically view themselves as victims and are attracted to similar vulnerabilities in both their romantic and platonic relationships.
The Characteristics of Co-Dependent's Include:
– An exaggerated sense of responsibility for others’ action
-Not accepting responsibility for their actions
– A tendency to conflate love with pity, often “loving” those they can rescue
– A habit of consistently overextending themselves
– Feelings of hurt when their efforts go unacknowledged
– An unhealthy dependence on relationships, driven by a fear of abandonment
– An intense need for approval and recognition
– Guilt associated with asserting their own needs
– A strong desire to control others
– A lack of trust in themselves and/or others
– An underlying fear of vulnerability.