By Joshua Bardez Lost Coast CoDA Editorial Staff —
To support you in recognizing and healing the shame that resides within, I lovingly suggest the following books that have been instrumental in my own journey toward recovery from shame.
Healing the Shame that Binds You | John Bradshaw On in the Family | Daring Greatly | Self Parenting
Addiction and co-dependency are deeply intertwined, primarily through the emotion of shame. This feeling is far more powerful than guilt. While guilt is tied to specific behaviors, shame creates a pervasive sense of being fundamentally flawed. This sense of inadequacy can foster feelings of unworthiness, unlovability, and a belief that one does not deserve kindness, success, or happiness.
Individuals struggling with substance abuse often grapple with shame, and those in co-dependent relationships frequently experience this heavy burden as well. Recognizing how shame impacts both addiction and co-dependency is crucial for achieving meaningful recovery on all fronts.
By confronting the underlying sources of shame, individuals can learn to extend forgiveness to themselves and others, establish healthy boundaries, and start making positive choices for their lives and relationships. For more insight into shame please see Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw.
What is Shame?
Shame is a deeply intense emotion that centers around an individual’s perception of their self-worth. As a feeling rooted in self-awareness, shame often amplifies negative self-perceptions and beliefs. While shame and guilt frequently coexist, they are not synonymous. Guilt arises from feelings of regret and remorse regarding one’s actions and their repercussions, “I did bad.” For instance, a person may feel guilty about substance abuse because they believe it is morally wrong.
The disappointment of a loved one or oneself can also evoke guilt. However, guilt often motivates individuals to take action — they may apologize or resolve to avoid repeating their mistakes. When someone finds themselves unable to rectify a situation, amend a misstep, or alleviate their guilt, it can evolve into ‘toxic shame,’ according to John Bardshaw author of Healing the Shame that Binds You.
Shame can also be a legacy carried from childhood, “I am bad.” If a person’s emotional needs were unmet or if they experienced trauma or abuse, they may be more prone to enduring persistent feelings of unworthiness and shame. The greater the shame one feels, the more likely they are to engage in harmful behaviors. The distinction between someone struggling with addiction and a co-dependent individual lies in how they manage and conceal their shame.
One of the clear indicators of shame can be found in a narcissistic personality, characterized by an inflated sense of self-worth and a constant need for excessive admiration. This often comes with a lack of awareness or willingness to acknowledge the feelings and needs of others. Additionally, individuals with this personality type may struggle to take responsibility for their actions, frequently placing blame on others for their misfortunes. In a more compassionate light, a narcissistic personality can be viewed as a manifestation of a shame-based identity, yearning for healing and love.
An addicted person often resorts to substance use as a way to numb and hide their shame. Conversely, a co-dependent person may seek to alleviate their shame through relentless self-sacrifice. In both scenarios, shame proves to be self-destructive and obstructive to recovery. It hinders individuals from being genuinely vulnerable, reaching out for help, and granting themselves the compassion and support they need to heal.
In dysfunctional relationships, co-dependency emerges when one individual seeks emotional validation and a sense of self-worth from another. The interplay between addiction and co-dependency is significant; those with co-dependent traits often grapple with feelings of low self-esteem, diminished self-worth, persistent shame, and challenges in expressing their emotions.
They may find themselves justifying a loved one’s addiction, shielding them from the repercussions of their substance use, which inadvertently allows the addiction to escalate. This behavior stems from a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Lacking the confidence to confront their loved ones, the co-dependent individual may feel a misguided sense of value in being the sole enabler of the addiction.
In relationships marked by addiction, co-dependent individuals often adopt a “savior” mentality. They may go to great lengths to “rescue” the person, sacrificing their own needs, yet these well-intentioned actions often make the addiction more manageable and, ultimately, more harmful for everyone involved.
Signs of Hidden Shame
Shame often hides in the shadows, and individuals may go to great lengths to avoid confronting it. This emotion can be deeply painful, creating a profound sense of unworthiness that is hard to face. People may turn to distractions like substance abuse or toxic relationships, as concealed shame often drives addiction and co-dependency.
Here are some common signs of shame that those grappling with addiction and co-dependency might experience: According to Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, she write, “The Gremlin thoughts like “I am never good enough,” “who do you think you are,” a failure,” “No one could ever love me,” and “Everyone will eventually leave me.” Feeling unable to express your thoughts or believing your feelings are insignificant. Anticipating the worst outcomes for yourself in every scenario. Reenacting harmful patterns in relationships. Recommended reading on shame, Daring Greatly.
Desiring to retreat and hide from others. Fearing exposure of your true self. Idealizing others while undervaluing yourself. Being frequently exploited by others. Allowing yourself to be mistreated because you feel unworthy of better treatment. Seeking escape from shame through relationships, sexual activities, or substance use.
Pushing others away or rejecting them before intimacy can develop. Shame can present itself in various ways, influenced by an individual’s personality and life experiences. Some may withdraw and isolate, while others may become co-dependent “people pleasers.”
People pleasers often endure abuse and mistreatment in their quest for acceptance. Sadly, when one’s core beliefs are steeped in shame, no amount of validation or approval ever feels sufficient. Even when receiving positive feedback, shame finds a way to dismiss it as untrue. This can lead individuals to seek out those who, whether intentionally or not, reinforce their shame-based beliefs.
Those who make someone feel unworthy, unloved, and insufficient can feel more familiar and comfortable to someone struggling with shame. Thus, the journey to healing begins with addressing and transforming shame.
How to Start Healing Shame
Shame can be a heavy burden that individuals carry throughout their lives. Thus, the journey to healing is not a quick fix; it requires time and patience. Each time someone prioritizes their well-being over shame, they take a meaningful step forward.
Healing from shame and embracing self-love can involve:
Engage in a conversation with yourself as if you were speaking to someone you hold dear. This can be quite challenging, as true self-love would render shame powerless. Yet, I discovered a path during my journey of healing from shame. I came across the book “Self Parenting” by Pollard, which guided me in nurturing my inner self with love and compassion, helping me to heal the shame that resided within. This transformative book has profoundly influenced my approach to recovery.
Confronting negative beliefs and harmful behaviors that perpetuate shame.
Creating a list of positive attributes and engaging in activities that enhance self-worth and confidence.
Practicing self-forgiveness and establishing new, uplifting goals for the future.
Cultivating mindfulness and embracing self-acceptance.
Enhancing emotional awareness and discovering constructive ways to manage negative emotions.
Building the courage to set boundaries and surround oneself with supportive people and environments that foster self-esteem
The path to healing begins in a nurturing environment. Shame flourishes in chaos and self-destructive patterns. It’s essential for individuals to feel safe as they start to unravel the various manifestations of shame in their lives. Therapy can be a wonderful starting point for delving into the complexities of shame, particularly in relation to addiction and co-dependency.
Holistic treatment programs that cater to the whole person are often the most effective for recovery. Tailored approaches that honor each individual’s unique experiences and personality can pave the way for deeper, more sustainable healing. Therapeutic methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) assist individuals in recognizing and challenging the negative beliefs that fuel their shame. Through gentle guidance, they learn to transform these beliefs, reframe their perspectives, and adopt empowering actions that support their recovery journey.
It’s important to note that shame is not solely an individual struggle. Many families grappling with co-dependency also face shame, making it crucial for them to understand its impact on themselves and their relationships. CoDA workshops and support groups provide a space for individuals to confront shame and addiction collectively, fostering a sense of community and shared commitment to healing.
We would love to hear your thoughts! Please share your comments on how this article resonated with you and how you navigate the feelings of shame that can hold us back.
Shame can be a heavy burden that individuals carry throughout their lives. Thus, the journey to healing is not a quick fix; it requires time and patience. Each time someone prioritizes their well-being over shame, they take a meaningful step forward.
Healing from shame and embracing self-love can involve:
Talking to yourself as you would talk to a loved one. Navigating a cycle of co-dependency can be quite challenging for us. Yet, during my journey of recovery, I found a beautiful way to embrace self-love with kindness. I learned to communicate with my inner self in a gentle and compassionate manner, allowing the healing of shame to unfold. The book that guided me in connecting with my wounded inner child is “Self Parenting” by Pollard. It provided me with valuable insights on how to nurture that part of myself, and I believe it can be a source of healing for you too.
– Confronting negative beliefs and harmful behaviors that perpetuate shame.
– Creating a list of positive attributes and engaging in activities that enhance self-worth and confidence.
– Practicing self-forgiveness and establishing new, uplifting goals for the future.
– Cultivating mindfulness and embracing self-acceptance.
– Enhancing emotional awareness and discovering constructive ways to manage negative emotions.
– Building the courage to set boundaries and surround oneself with supportive people and environments that foster self-esteem
The path to healing begins in a nurturing environment. Shame flourishes in chaos and self-destructive patterns. It’s essential for individuals to feel safe as they start to unravel the various manifestations of shame in their lives. Therapy can be a wonderful starting point for delving into the complexities of shame, particularly in relation to addiction and co-dependency.
Holistic treatment programs that cater to the whole person are often the most effective for recovery. Tailored approaches that honor each individual’s unique experiences and personality can pave the way for deeper, more sustainable healing. Therapeutic methods like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) assist individuals in recognizing and challenging the negative beliefs that fuel their shame. Through gentle guidance, they learn to transform these beliefs, reframe their perspectives, and adopt empowering actions that support their recovery journey.
It’s important to note that shame is not solely an individual struggle. Many families grappling with co-dependency also face shame, making it crucial for them to understand its impact on themselves and their relationships. CoDA workshops and support groups provide a space for individuals to confront shame and addiction collectively, fostering a sense of community and shared commitment to healing.
We would love to hear your thoughts! Please share your comments on how this article resonated with you and how you navigate the feelings of shame that can hold us back.