By Joshua Bardez Lost Coast CoDA Editorial Staff —
Letting go is a challenging journey, especially when it feels like the very essence of your existence. I vividly recall the firm hold I had on everything in my life—the cherished ones, my feelings, and even the decisions I made. I believed that by controlling my surroundings, I could create a sense of safety and love, but this only deepened my suffering.
Letting go can feel like ascending a towering mountain, weighed down by a heavy backpack filled with memories and emotions. I faced the challenges of childhood trauma, feelings of abandonment, fears, shame, lingering regrets, and the weight of toxic relationships.
So many of us who struggle with codependency, myself included, often find ourselves holding tightly to the illusion of control, thinking it will soothe our anxious hearts. Research indicates that about 70% of people experience codependency in some form. This deep-seated need often conceals our insecurities and the fear of solitude. In our attempts to oversee every detail, we inadvertently shield ourselves from the deeper challenges that lie beneath the surface.
Understanding the Psychology of Attachment
Attachment theory sheds light on how our connections influence our emotions. For numerous individuals, unresolved trauma fosters a hesitance to release the past. Studies indicate that those with lingering issues are more susceptible to anxiety and depression. By letting go, we can disrupt this cycle and cultivate a healthier mindset.
Recognizing Emotional Burdens
To identify the areas where you may be holding on, reflect on these questions:
• Are there past relationships that occupy your thoughts?
• Do you carry regrets that linger in your mind?
• Are there self-limiting beliefs that hinder your potential?
Emotional burdens impact not only our minds but can also lead to physical health challenges. The stress and anxiety from clinging to the past can manifest as headaches, digestive issues, and long-term health problems. Research published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Research highlights a significant link between emotional distress and physical ailments.
Strategies for Releasing Emotional Burdens
Embracing the power of forgiveness, both for yourself and those around you, is truly vital. It’s not about excusing what has happened in the past, but rather about freeing yourself from the burdens of unresolved hurt. Begin by acknowledging and understanding your patterns of control. Writing in a journal or seeking guidance through therapy and sharing your concerns at regular CoDA meetings can offer valuable perspectives.
Recognizing your own worth is crucial. Shift your attention to your achievements and the values you hold dear, rather than relying on the validation of others. Embracing imperfections—both in yourself and in others—can be incredibly liberating. Remember, perfection is an illusion, and accepting this truth can lighten the weight of expectations.
Forgiving yourself and others is crucial. It’s not about excusing wrongdoing but freeing yourself from the pain. Steps to practice forgiveness include:
1. Recognize and honor your feelings, seek out a CoDA therapist, attend CoDA meetings and cultivate your forgives with the help of a sponsor.
2. Contemplate what you need to forgive. Make a list, without judging or condemning of a forgive list.
3. Consider writing a sincere letter to the individual you wish to forgive, but hold off on sending it for now, as they may not be ready to hear your feelings just yet. You might decide to tear it up or even burn it as a symbolic gesture of letting go. Sharing your thoughts at a CoDA meeting or with your sponsor can be incredibly healing. Opening up to someone else is one of the most effective ways to lighten the emotional load you’ve been carrying. Have faith in your higher power to guide you on this beautiful path toward forgiveness.
As Dr. Robert Enright, a therapist, beautifully states, “Forgiveness is a choice to let go of resentment.”
In the journey of recovery from codependency, journaling and attending regular CoDA meetings stands out as a powerful tool for processing emotions. Begin with these reflective prompts:
• What do I need to release?
• How has clinging to the past impacted my life?
• What actions can I take to move ahead?
Engaging in regular journaling, nurturing your inner child, seeking therapy, and participating in CoDA meetings can illuminate your path, enhance your emotional awareness, and support your healing journey and helping you to let go.
Mindfulness practices help you become aware of your thoughts, allowing you to detach from negativity. For instance, Sarah, a dedicated mother, discovered tranquility through her daily meditation routine. She learned to observe her thoughts without judgment, which enabled her to release stress.
Letting Go of Limiting Beliefs and Negative Thoughts
Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness. Kristin Neff, a prominent expert, emphasizes, “Self-compassion means being moved by your own suffering.” Techniques for nurturing self-kindness include:
• Speaking gently to yourself (see Self Parenting)
• Recognizing your challenges without harsh judgment.
• Engaging in activities that promote self-care.
Releasing Unhealthy Relationships
Unhealthy relationships can sap your energy and joy. Be mindful of signs such as:
• Controlling tendencies.
• Absence of support or encouragement.
• Ongoing criticism.
Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial. To achieve this:
1. Recognize your personal limits.
2. Clearly express these boundaries. We co-dependents don’t have healthy boundaries, so depend on your therapist, sponsor and CoDA meetings to guide you in developing healthy boundaries.
3. Stay committed to upholding them. As long as they serve you and are healthy boundaries for the good of all concerned.
For instance, Julia chose to reduce her interactions with a friend who emotionally drained her. By setting boundaries, she found her inner peace once more.
Healing from previous relationships paves the way for nurturing ones. Engage in activities that promote supportive connections, such as:
• Joining CoDA, clubs or groups that resonate with your passions.
• Volunteering in your local community. Be of service and a sponsor.
• Surrounding yourself with friends who uplift your spirit.
A strong social support network can greatly enhance your mental well-being, which should include a CoDA sponsor to help you on your journey of healing. Please remember you know longer have to do the healing by yourself. You are not alone anymore.
Embracing the Present and Future Possibilities
Practicing gratitude can transform your perspective from what you lack to what you cherish. Consider daily habits like:
• Maintaining a gratitude journal.
• Sharing three things you appreciate each day.
• Reflecting on positive experiences before sleep.
Personal growth can be empowering. Think about:
• Exploring a new hobby.
• Enrolling in online courses to acquire new skills.
• Dedicating time for self-reflection.
As life coach Tony Robbins wisely states, “The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment.”
In Conclusion
Letting go is a transformative act that can lead to personal growth and improved mental health. It creates space for deeper connections and a more fulfilling life. By releasing emotional burdens and limiting beliefs, you open yourself to a brighter future. Begin this journey today, and embrace the empowering gift of letting go.
We would be delighted to learn about your journeys in forgiveness and the beautiful process of letting go. Your stories have the power to inspire and uplift us, reminding us that we are not alone on this shared path we are walking together.